Narcissa's Journal (IX)
[Hexed private to Draco]
I want to apologize for my behavior Thursday. I was... completely and utterly out of line with the things I said and did where you could likely see them and I am very sorry.

Finding out you are my son had absolutely nothing to do with my upset. Had that one fact been the only thing revealed, rather than in this case already knowing who your father is, my reaction would have been far, far different. If I in any way upset you or hurt your feelings, I am truly sorry. I want to try and make this up to you.

I hope that my actions have not damaged your opinions irrevocably because I would hate to know I had altered your opinion of the woman you care so much for in your time. Now that I know who you are, I would like to get to know you better. I had already found myself liking you without truly understanding why it came so quickly and I would not want to lose that because of my own inability to behave properly.
[/Private]

[Hexed private to self]
I am never making an entry in this blasted thing again unless it is under heavy warding. How could I have been so stupid, so oblivious to what I was writing so openly? Emotional fits be damned, I thought I had mastered these times ruling over me long ago, but yet again I was no more than a weak puppet to my emotions, doing things in a haze of tears that I would never do on a normal day.

Time has not made my feelings better, despite the efforts of others to help me through this. I am left with no explanation now, as the one accusatory one I did have seems far, far less certain than it did. I still do not feel I was wrong for thinking this could only be a match against my will, especially after what happened with Andromeda and the things that had been said about the public opinion of our family. The fact remains we have forgotten our own because of their decisions and I cannot be cast out for refusing this match, but I also cannot join myself with that prat from my time, no matter how much time beyond that might soften him. I do not love him, I do not even like him! But, truly, who knows why the arrangement occurs? I hesitate to ask details because thus far, details have only harmed everything.

There is Draco to think about as well and while I have no solution there either, I must put myself in his place, a place I was not long ago. How can I deny him whatever chances he might want in having a parent here, when I would not want to be denied those things with Papa? Bellatrix thinks little of him but I have genuinely enjoyed his company thus far and I find myself inexplicably concerned for his welfare, such as the recent dreams entry that brought about all of this unintentionally and his other recent entry about fleas. Gods, what if he becomes ill? Is this what being a mother is to mean, worrying about this child who is currently older than me, even though my heart, mind and body have yet to experience the years leading up to the point he is at now?

I WILL NOT MARRY LUCIUS. But... can I be so heartless as to do something right now, in this time, that will stop all of it from happening and thus negate this boy's existence?
[/Private]